Hate is easy. Love takes courage

I don't know why I keep writing these really short blogs but I guess if I don't have that much to say then I don't have that much to say.

I'm trying to reach out to my friends that I feel like I am drifting away from. Its kinda helping but at times it still feels wrong or weird.

A new feeling that has entered as of late is this emptiness. Its worse then feeling numb. Its hard to explain. I feel something but its nothing. And I hate that you still bring that out in me. I hate that you still have some power over me. I can't get you out of my life because i care too much about you. But I still have a hard time have you as a friend in my life because I often feel like we where never friends. And you can't go back to something you never had.

Its strange to me how much second semester of freshman year has been on my mind lately. I haven't ever really thought about it. I guess because I have blocked a lot of it out. But its like lately my subconscious it trying to unlock all of it. I guess it would be a good thing. I mean I know that I have come to terms with everything that happened my first year that I was here. And now I guess my heart and mind are telling me that i need to remember it all so that I can fully learn from it. I guess I can't avoid repeating bad habits if I don't examine where they sprang from. And I can't be happy with who I am today if I am too ashamed to remember the past that made me the way I am today.

I am making the decision not hate you you. I am telling myself that its not your fault, because we all know that it isn't. I don't know you well enough to judge you on any other matter so I am trying not to. All I know is that you can do what I couldn't and I want you to. I want it all to be better. I want to be fully happy again and I don't think I can be as long as I hate you. So I am saying it here and now for the first time, and I will say it aloud as I type.

i forgive you. i don't hate you.